Engaging conversations is the fourth part of the Reaching others knowledge series that helps us have open conversations and help others make better decisions.
What do I do if they don’t listen to facts or logic?
We examine what makes conversations captivating and what inspires reflection. When information is presented in a story, it reaches us deeply. Metaphors can provide instinctive understanding. With questions, we can gently guide others’ attention to a place where we together can seek insight.
It can be difficult to insert new information from the outside that does not fit well on other people’s maps. It is filtered out. Instead, we can use questions to highlight the conflict between the person’s values and beliefs. Once the conflict becomes visible, it becomes difficult to ignore and people may re-evaluate their beliefs.
Engage differently
Not everyone is reached in the same way. It is primarily the individual’s intuition (elephant) that you are talking to. People are open to listen when their elephant is favourably disposed towards you. Therefore, we need to adapt to the individual’s and the target group’s perception of reality (map), use of language and the trust capital that exists.
In our own information bubble, we communicate with those with the same perception of reality as ourselves and we can be more direct. Tough and uncompromising language can be appreciated in such contexts. It resonates with the intuition of that audience.
But when we try to reach out to those with different views, we need to get their elephants favourably disposed in the first place. We need to take into account their perception of reality and the trust capital they have in us. And the way to do that is to empathise and listen to those we want to reach.
Effective communication starts with determining the target audience we want to reach. Once we know the audience’s perception of reality, we can create engaging messages.
Now we will examine how we can convey ideas with stories, metaphors and questions. (1, Reaching People, 2021a)
Stories
A story contains information that is woven into a context and is delivered with feeling. 26:35, Reaching People, 2021a)
Before the development of written language, oral stories were humanity’s way of passing on knowledge to new generations. We are therefore wired to embrace stories.
We still remember the fairy tales we heard as children. Many of them have important moral lessons, but we don’t often realise that they still affect us as adults.
Reaching us deeply
When information is wrapped into a story, it reaches us deeply, even on a subconscious level. In this way, the information can bypass resistance. (2, Unravel, 2021a)
Studies in cognitive learning have shown that stories are almost ten times more memorable than dry facts. In his 2003 book Making Stories: Law, Literature, Life, the American psychologist Jerome Seymour Bruner (1915–2016) contributed significant insights into educational psychology and was one of the first to study the importance of stories. (3, Bruner, 2002)
The Greek philosopher Plato (427–347 BC) already recognized the importance and is said to have said that “Those who tell stories rule society”. (4, The Storytellers, 2020)
Lost freedom of speech is no joke
In Germany, a journalist was sentenced to seven months in prison for publishing on X a satirical photomontage aimed at the Minister of the Interior. In the photo, the minister is holding a sign that reads “I hate freedom of speech”.
The court considers that the photo damages the reputation of the minister and thus violates Section 188 of the German Criminal Code, which protects public figures from defamation. The sentence may be served conditionally if the journalist apologizes in writing to the minister. (5, Der Spiegel, 2025)
There are several important facts woven into this story: Germans are well on their way to losing their freedom of speech. German politics cannot stand criticism. Criticizing German politicians has serious consequences. The German establishment displays a profound double standard in criminalising criticism of restrictions on freedom of speech. The silence of the National media on this issue gives a worrying impression of passive consent.
Metaphors
We think through metaphors. A metaphor equates two things as a comparison or symbolically. The black sheep of the family is a saying where someone is metaphorically equated with a black sheep to describe their position in the family. For simplicity, we will also include the concept of metaphor in similes and analogies. (6, Reaching People, 2021b)
Metaphors structure our thoughts. We think through them both when we reason within ourselves or with others. Metaphors serve as a mental model on which we can attach our ideas and thoughts.
In this material, we have used metaphors extensively, for example; verbal tennis match, Freud’s iceberg, the elephant and the rider, the map, filters, the hotel of knowledge.
Intuitive understanding
Information delivered together with a metaphor can provide understanding. The metaphor compares two things. We already have an intuitive and partly subconscious understanding of what we are starting from. With the metaphor, we transfer that understanding to what we are comparing with.
Since what we are starting from is already known to the person we are talking to, the information transfer becomes relatively gentle when the connection is made through the metaphor. In this way, the metaphor helps to form a secure communication channel.
Metaphors are often used to simplify and provide an intuitive but superficial understanding. Flattening the curve conveys such a superficial understanding. Another example is: A beautiful and dignified death used in Canada’s offer of euthanasia. In the advertisement, suicide is equated with festivity. (7, Daily Mail, 2022)
Aristotle (384–322 BC), Greek philosopher and disciple of Plato, saw metaphors as valuable. He said: “The greatest thing by far is to be a master of metaphor … a good metaphor implies an intuitive perception of the similarity of the dissimilar.” (8, Stanford, 2011)
Don’t step into the ring
Now we will examine how the saying stepping into the ring works as a metaphor. We connect what we know about and feel about a boxing match to the situation when we are talking to someone. (6, Reaching People, 2021b)
In a boxing match, the goal is to win by defeating the opponent and we are constantly on the attack. In conversation, this can be compared to the importance of being right and being in opposition. We do not listen to each other.
We can develop this metaphor to say that you should be in someone’s corner. That is, to give them support. This corresponds to wanting to be on the same side and seek insight together.
Questions
With questions, we can gently guide others’ attention to places where insight is possible. The answers to questions make it possible to understand others’ worldviews.
Good questions show that you are sincerely interested in what the other person has to say without your own agenda or ulterior motive. People respect and crave authenticity. If you are genuinely interested in your question, they will sense it.
Questions can be open or closed. Open questions invite conversation and provide opportunities for thought and reflection. Sometimes an open question on its own can lead to insight.
Closed questions can be answered with one or a few words, often yes or no. They provide less thought and do not always lead the conversation forward.
When you ask a question, say “we” rather than “you.” The word “you” can be perceived as accusatory and put your interlocutor on the defensive. “We” is an effective collaborative word. This emphasizes that we are investigating the matter together: “How do we know?” and “Why don’t we think about it more?” If “we” doesn’t quite fit, try “one” or “they”: “How could one figure that out?” (9, Boghossian, 2019)
Open questions
Open questions are not suitable for a yes-or-no answer. They require more words and thought. Ask about what engages. About the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
Most people love to talk about themselves. When someone asks questions and shows interest, we feel special. It can feel amazing when someone gives us their full attention and listens when we tell them something engaging. The positive feeling is naturally connected to the person asking questions and listening to us.
The effect is, perhaps a little surprising, that other people trust you more when you talk less. When you talk more, they trust you less. When other people talk about themselves and their amazing lives, it’s hard not to compare them to our own, and then we feel inadequate and start to feel bad. (10, Eneva, 2023)
To invite an interesting conversation, you can ask:
What is happening in the world today?
I heard that […]. How should one think about that?
Tell me something exciting.
How did it feel when that happened?
Calibrated questions
A calibrated question usually starts with how or what. They are designed to get others to start thinking about other people’s perspectives, not just their own. Calibrated questions can lead others to see the matter from your point of view without them feeling forced to do so. It is important that everyone can maintain a sense of autonomy.
Calibrated what-questions lead the other person to think more deeply about the issue and to pinpoint the real problems. They still have the freedom to answer however they want, but with the help of the question you have framed the conversation. (11, Voss, 2016)
Examples of calibrated what-questions:
What is important to you about this?
What doesn’t feel good about this?
Calibrated how-questions lead the other person to seek empathy and try to understand your perspective. If you have already shown empathy, others will want to answer it. The questions make others try to see the matter from both perspectives and in this way, they lead to constructive problem solving.
Examples of calibrated how-questions:
How can we make this feel good for both of us?
How do you want me to proceed?
Why-questions are often perceived as accusatory and are often best avoided. Therefore, don’t ask: “Why did you do that?”
No-oriented questions
People need to feel that they are in control. When you give others permission to say No to your ideas, they feel safer and can calm down. This gives both of you more time to make better decisions.
No-oriented questions are designed to be answered with a No. It has been shown that people have an easier time answering no-oriented questions. Answering No feels safe. If you are mentally exhausted, you almost only have energy to answer No. (11, Voss, 2016)
Many questions can be made no-oriented. Some examples of no-oriented questions:
Do you mind if I try to help you?
Is it ridiculous to talk about it?
Is it impossible for you to talk about it?
Is it completely out of the question for you to help me?
The staircase of trust
The three steps of the staircase of trust; empathy, rapport and influence give us an understanding of how we can act to strengthen trust between people.
The first step is empathy. This step represents relationships with a lack of trust and to build it, empathy is needed. Empathy means having a deeper understanding of others’ beliefs and feelings. But it does not mean that you agree with them yourself.
Show empathy and consideration while you listen and get to know the other person’s feelings and thoughts. They feel heard and understood at the same time as you can get a picture of their perception of reality (map). Listen without judging and put your ego aside, which otherwise is almost always counterproductive.
Listen for themes where the person describes certain doubts or openings for other points of view. Wait to follow up on these themes until you have built a stronger relationship and become familiar with each other’s worldviews.
The second step is rapport. Everyone has a desire to be heard and understood. Over time, trust is strengthened and the person becomes more interested in your thoughts. The relationship becomes mutual. However, it is still too early to solve problems. Prematurely initiating problem solving can make the person feel that the problems are not being taken seriously.
Show that you are on the same side and minimize differences. Be sure to prepare a psychological way out so that it is easy to change opinions. Explore areas of common ground.
The third and final step is influence. Then a trusting relationship is established. When you work together and trust each other, it becomes more interesting to ask for and receive advice and suggestions. We also become open to examining information that can create cognitive dissonance. Choose topics where there are already doubts first, so the risk of falling back down the staircase of trust is less. (12, Ireland & Fisher & Vecchi, 2011)
It is not uncommon for an otherwise trusting relationship to have certain topics where the differences of opinion have become so great that you have stopped talking about them altogether. We can see it as the relationship for those themes being on a different step. If we want to reach within those themes, the staircase of trust can give us an understanding of how we can act.
Dissonance—key to change
When we trust each other, we are more likely to accept that attention is directed towards contradictory beliefs and values that we have on our map. When we do so and hold conflicting ideas in our minds at the same time, a feeling of discomfort, cognitive dissonance, arises.
The feeling of discomfort arises when thought patterns and associations between ideas we have in our memory are broken and reconnected. Dissonance is therefore the key to change.
The discomfort is strong and ideas that go against our established worldview are often reflexively shut out. Therefore, we do not want to primarily try to push in new ideas that do not fit into other people’s maps from the outside. It is difficult. If the information does not fit, we would rather filter it out than trigger cognitive dissonance.
It is often better to highlight how ideas someone already has on their map don’t fit together so well. This also creates cognitive dissonance, but since the ideas are already in awareness, it is not as easy to filter them out. (13, Miller & Rollnick, 2023)
It becomes clear that values we have do not fit together so well when we examine what is most important. Is it the individual or is it the collective?
“I have to think about this!” Then dissonance has arisen. Then give the person space.
Reduce resistance
Resistance arises if we push for a change that the other person is not ready for. The defence against change can be unconscious. Those who show resistance are less likely to change.
It is therefore almost always counterproductive to argue and try persuasion. When the person feels that their own worldview is being questioned or threatened, they often respond by shutting down. If they perceive you as unreasonable and uncompromising, they will be further strengthened in their own position and the resistance will increase further.
When others protest or express resistance, it is best to be accommodating and interested in the other person’s point of view. You can politely apologize and ask how to think better in the particular situation. You can also change the focus to another, less difficult topic of conversation. When the other person no longer feels confronted, the resistance decreases. (13, Miller & Rollnick, 2023)
To reach others
We have touched on many different areas of knowledge to describe how we can think in order to reach others. There is a lot to take in and you may need to come back to this material more than once. It often provides a lot to discuss with others. Feel free to also use and practice the exercises that are in this material.
Here we provide an overview of the steps we can take to reach others.
Before you reach others, first choose a positive mindset and put your ego aside, which may be the biggest challenge. Have a vision for what you want to achieve in the relationship. And be aware that change is a process that takes time.
When you reach others, orient yourself and get on the same side. Once there, embark on a joint adventure where you with open conversations seek insight together.
Summary
When we use stories, metaphors and questions, the conversations become captivating and can inspire reflection.
Stories reach us deeply, even on a subconscious level. In this way, the information can bypass resistance.
The metaphor compares two things. We already have an intuitive and partly subconscious understanding of what we are starting from. With the metaphor, we transfer that understanding to what we are comparing with.
With questions, we can gently guide others’ attention to places where insight is possible. Questions can be open or closed. Open questions invite conversation and provide opportunities for thought and reflection.
When someone asks questions and shows interest, we feel special. The positive feeling is naturally connected to the person asking questions and listening. The effect is that other people trust you more when you listen more and talk less.
It is difficult to present new ideas from the outside that do not fit into the other person’s map, then they are usually filtered out. It is often better to highlight how ideas someone already has do not fit together so well.
References
- Weapons of Mass Communication Overview, Reaching People, 2021a, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRazhC8UmvM
- Stories from the Pandemic, Unravel, 2021a, https://www.unravel.org.uk/catch-up
- Making Stories: law literature life, Jerome Bruner, 2002, https://archive.org/details/makingstories00jero
- Plato on storytelling, The Storytellers, 2020, https://thestorytellers.com/plato-on-storytelling/
- Chefredakteur von AfD-nahem Medium zu Freiheitsstrafe verurteilt, Der Spiegel, 2025, https://www.spiegel.de/politik/deutschland/nancy-faeser-afd-naher-journalist-david-bendels-wegen-verleumdung-zu-freiheitsstrafe-verurteilt-a-87085d7d-53c3-4a72-ba14-1a31e43a58f8
- Metaphor – Weapon of Mass Communication, Reaching People, 2021b, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOAAxDUoNvU
- Easier to let go Terminally ill woman in Canadian euthanasia commercial that glorified suicide previously said she wanted to live but couldn’t afford care to improve her quality of life, Daily Mail, 2022, https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11508581/Woman-featured-commercial-euthanasia-Canada-wanted-live-access-care.html
- Metaphor, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2011, https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/metaphor/
- How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian, 2019, https://libris.kb.se/bib/bph9ppfl8vbcpz50
- What I Learned About Human Psychology From the CIA, Rima Eneva, 2023, https://hackernoon.com/what-i-learned-about-human-psychology-from-the-cia
- Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It, Chris Voss, 2016, https://archive.org/details/neversplitdiffer0000voss/
- Conflict and Crisis Communication Principles and Practice, Carol Ireland & Martin Fisher & Gregory Vecchi, 2011, https://www.routledge.com/Conflict-and-Crisis-Communication-Principles-and-Practice/Ireland-Fisher-Vecchi/p/book/9780415615129
- Motivational interviewing helping people change and grow 4th, William Miller & Stephen Rollnick, 2023, https://libris.kb.se/bib/3l5q88b912r5cjhx
The material has been developed by Us together in collaboration with Reaching People.
