Behaviour in depth is the second part of the Reaching others knowledge series that helps us have open conversations and help others make better decisions.
You may have worriedly thought: I think some of my friends have started to reason so strangely. I don’t really recognize them anymore. What happened?
With a model of our mind, we try to understand.
Knowing how our mind works gives us a better opportunity to reflect on how we ourselves and others react. This knowledge can create an inner security that makes it easier to act on. Understanding the thoughts and feelings of others leads us to a more empathetic approach.
Over time, it can help us develop a more top-down perspective and reflect in the moment on how we relate to each other. In this way, we are not as easily triggered, and we do not trigger others as often. With insight into how we ourselves and others work, we become better at reaching others.
Mental iceberg
A part of our mind can be imagined as an iceberg. We only see the small part above the surface, the conscious mind. The real size and power are hidden below the surface, in the subconscious mind.
By the conscious mind we mean the thoughts, feelings, ideas, and memories that we are aware of in the moment. Our subconscious mind is a reservoir of feelings, ideas, and memories that affect us without us being aware of it. Most of our mental capacity is subconscious. (1, Reaching People, 2021a)
Our subconscious mind often helps us make decisions, like when our gut feeling decides.
The Austrian Sigmund Freud (1856–1939) is considered the founder of modern psychoanalysis. His theories have been described using the iceberg as a metaphor. (2, Simply Psychology, 2011)
The elephant and the rider
Human decision-making is guided by two parallel thought processes, the intuitive and the reasoning, according to psychologist and Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman (1934–2024). Intuition is fast, automatic and emotional, while reasoning thought process is slow, conscious and controlled. (3, Kahneman, 2011)
Kahneman uses the word intuition in a way that refers only to the thought process that continuously and automatically recognizes and assesses situations. We benefit greatly from our intuition. In fact, it is vital.
Jonathan Haidt, an American social psychologist, imagined thought processes like a rider on an elephant, and the rider’s job is to serve the elephant. The elephant is strong and intuitive, while the rider is conscious and logical. (4, Haidt, 2012)
The elephant, which represents our intuitive mind, makes up a large part of our thinking. Situations are assessed instantly and unconsciously. The speed and connection to our emotions lead to our intuitive mind controlling most of our behaviour.
The rider represents our conscious reasoning mind. A stream of words and images that we are fully aware of. The rider’s role is often to rationalize the feelings and judgments that the elephant has already made.
Situations are best assessed when the elephant and rider’s thought processes are in balance. Under safe conditions and with a positive attitude—the elephant leans forward—the rider gets a good chance to participate in the thinking process. But when the situation is assessed negatively or even threatening—the elephant backs away—the rider’s slower reasoning cannot keep up, and the elephant takes over. Training yourself to speed up your reasoning thinking in crucial situations has great advantages.
Chemical emotions
The body uses biochemical messengers. Neurotransmitters transmit signals between nerve cells in the brain, while hormones are released into the bloodstream by glands and affect cells throughout the body. The same biochemical substance can function as both a neurotransmitter and a hormone. (5, Butnariu and Sarac, 2019)
We constantly monitor our surroundings and make judgments. Which hormones are released depends on how we assess the situation. Hormones in the blood affect the body’s functions, including the brain and, therefore, the state of mind. In this way, emotions are the result of a combination of different hormones. Psychotropic drugs affect our emotions in a similar way.
The fact that an emotion can remain for a longer time can be explained by the fact that hormones linger in the blood. Knowledge of these mechanisms can provide perspective on one’s own experience and perhaps support emotion regulation.
The seesaw
Our mood affects the balance between the reasoning and intuitive thought processes. When something unexpected happens, the balance can tip over like a seesaw. If we experience the situation as threatening, we can quickly adjust and prepare for fight or flight. It is a defence mechanism that we humans have. When we experience danger, the reasoning part of our mind is blocked, and the intuitive part takes over. (6 34:48, Reaching People, 2022a)
The defence mechanism is not only triggered by physical danger. If our ego or sense of prestige is challenged or threatened, a similar reaction can be provoked. We get upset.
We are not only affected by our own assessment of situations, but also by others. If someone has discovered something dangerous, it is best for the rest of us in the tribe to take it seriously too. In the same way, we instinctively recognize when others are emotionally upset and that can quickly trigger us too.
But we also influence each other in the opposite direction. If you stay calm in a stressful situation, it will also influence others, and you will help them calm down after a while.
When someone gets upset—the seesaw has tipped over—it is difficult to reach them. They have gone into a defensive position and are no longer receptive to new information.
The 90-second rule
So how do we stay calm when we are triggered? Before we respond, we try to understand what happens in our bodies when we become upset. We can easily recognize when we have been triggered. Our pulse and breathing rate increase, we get hot, and we blush as blood flow increases in our arms and legs. We prepare for fight or flight.
Physically, the brain releases adrenaline, a stress hormone, when it detects danger. The hormone rushes through your body. Within 90 seconds, the adrenaline has reached the whole the body and the effect is over.
When the effect wears off, you can choose to mentally stay in the situation and trigger the reaction anew. But you can also choose to try to break the cycle and stay calm. We have the power to choose who and how we want to be in each moment, regardless of the external circumstances we find ourselves in, maintains neuroscientist and stroke survivor Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. (7, Taylor, 2021a)
To break the cycle, you hold back the impulse to react. Stop thinking about what triggered the reaction. Instead, focus on something internal. Take deep breaths and allow your reasoning mind time to help you deal with the situation. When you give yourself time to think, you will feel your inner security returning. (8, Bolte Taylor, 2021b)
The people we talk to work in the same way. When you notice that someone has been triggered, you know that if you wait a little while, you will get an opportunity to help them break the cycle and lead the conversation in a more rewarding direction.
Cognitive dissonance
Now we describe a phenomenon that can trigger an emotional reaction.
If one tries to keep two conflicting ideas or beliefs in consciousness simultaneously, a feeling of discomfort arises. There may be something in our behaviour, mindset or identity that does not fit well together. The phenomenon was given the name cognitive dissonance by an American social psychologist. (9, Festinger, 1957)
One does not have to be aware of the cause of the cognitive dissonance for it to be felt. Usually, it is rather the opposite; you tend to unconsciously avoid the thoughts that create dissonance.
To relieve the discomfort of cognitive dissonance, it is common to try to explain away, deny or avoid new information that does not fit.
Common signs of cognitive dissonance are feelings of guilt, decision anxiety and shame. Dissonance is often motivated by social and peer pressure. (10, Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959)
The smoker in dissonance
Many people identify themselves as someone who wants to live a healthy life, often also those who smoke. At the same time, we know that smoking harms health. The smoker can experience dissonance when the behaviour does not fit with the identity.
To alleviate the discomfort, you can explain it away. I will gain weight if I stop smoking and that is just as bad. You can deny it. I smoke so little anyways. And you can avoid it. I don’t want to hear about any diseases.
Deeper levels
Edward T. Hall describes, in his book Beyond Culture, that we can see our mind as divided into different levels that all relate to each other. (11, Hall, 1976) The deeper we examine our mind, the more fundamental are the thoughts we find there. But ultimately, it is only the person’s behaviour that we can see.
We can see our behaviour as being something what we do. A level below we find our skills, habits and knowledge, which affect how we do what we do.
A level beneath that, we find our mindset, our attitudes, beliefs and values. Our mindset determines why we do what we do.
Even deeper than that we find our identity, our self-image. This level determines how we view ourselves. Who am I that does this?
The relationship between levels
All the levels in our minds relate to one another. The superficial levels are driven by the underlying ones. A change in a superficial level is easier to implement but has less impact on how we behave. We are less sensitive to criticism aimed at a superficial level.
The deeper levels define us as individuals. The impact of change will be greater there but simultaneously takes more time. We are often more sensitive to criticism aimed at a deeper level.
Behaviour and skills belong to the superficial levels, while mindset and identity belong to the deeper levels. We mentioned earlier that we need to mind our mindset and now we see more clearly why that can be a challenge. Once something is rooted in our self-image, it’s harder to change.
Our skills are easier to influence and change. That’s what we’re doing right now, as we gain knowledge about how we ourselves and others work.
Group identity
As herd animals, it is natural wanting to be included in groups. Alienation is perceived as frightening. At the same time, it can be difficult to have a healthy relationship towards the groups that we belong to.
If the group imposes its way of thinking on you, the group’s identity can override yours. Then we can observe group identity dominating our individual identity on a deep and fundamental level. Social pressure from the group we belong to can make us accept things that we would not otherwise agree to. (12, Psychology Wiki, 2021)
Those who want to influence people effectively therefore often direct their message directly to the leaders of groups. When group identity simultaneously is emphasised and encouraged, this method of influence becomes particularly effective.
Orientation
We do not identify with one, but with several different groups. Which one comes into focus depends on the current context. Sometimes we may identify with the group of dissidents, sometimes with the group of relatives and sometimes with the group of nature lovers. Someone else identifies as a good citizen, with the soccer team and perhaps also as a nature lover.
We always share some of our groups with the person we are talking to. We can lead the conversation and its context in a direction where our group identities coincide. If we both identify as nature lovers, we can build on that in our conversation. That’s how we can come onto the same side. (13, Unravel, 2021)
Getting on the same side doesn’t mean we pretend to be someone we’re not. Instead, it is about us choosing a context. That we decide to find a common ground and common points of interest so that we come closer together.
Don’t let the label stick
Sometimes those we are talking to expect us to belong to groups that are in opposition to each other. As part of their defence mechanism, the validity of what we say can be questioned and dismissed because of the group they perceive us to belong to.
One way of being questioned is when patronizing labels—which paint a caricature of us—are used to pigeonhole us on the opposing side. Conspiracy theorist is one such label. If we accept it, our arguments can easily be dismissed and it becomes difficult to reach others.
So even when we face opposition in conversations, it becomes our task to try to establish the idea that we are on the same side. Therefore, do not accept the label, but instead ask them to kindly explain what they mean when they express themselves in that way. (14 13:30, Reaching People, 2022b)
Ask them to explain
A condescending label deeply criticizes who we are—our identity. It’s provocative but avoid getting triggered.
Although we all know these labels, they are not clearly defined. It is not easy to explain what they mean when we ask them in a friendly way. The conversational dynamic often changes when they try to explain. (14 13:30, Reaching People, 2022b)
If someone says. “You are spreading disinformation!”
Then you can respond. “That is possible. What disinformation am I spreading?”
Someone else may say. “You sound like one of those conspiracy theorists.”
Then you can ask “Maybe I think differently. What did I say that is a conspiracy?”
Sick obedience
The following experiment demonstrates how our behaviour depends on the situation we perceive ourselves in. Charles K. Hofling arranged a realistic study in 1966 in the USA with nurses who were unaware that they were involved in an experiment. (15, Hofling, 1966)
The researcher asked the nurses if they would give double the maximum dose of an unknown and made-up medicine, Astroten, to their patients. Only 2 out of 33 (6%) would do so. The others refused because they saw life-threatening risks.
In the second part of the experiment, the researcher called night nurses at a psychiatric hospital. Pretending to be a doctor, the researcher asked the nurses to give double the maximum dose of the made-up medicine. A full 21 out of 22 (95%) of the nurses obeyed the doctor’s orders and were about to give the medicine to their patients when a hidden observer stopped them.
Authoritarian influence
All societies have at some point experienced how the state apparatus became all-powerful and turned against the population. This seems to be a recurring historical pattern. Given all the tragic, historical events that humanity has endured, it is easy to think: How could the population agree to this?
We try to explain.
When we experience coercion, many people give in. But when the forced behaviour does not fit with our self-image, we experience cognitive dissonance. To escape discomfort, we subconsciously change how we see ourselves and may even support the action. (10, Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959)
That we function this way is well known. Repeatedly introducing recommendations that infringe on personal freedom creates cognitive dissonance that causes us to gradually change our self-image. (16, Reaching People, 2021b)
Unofficial collaborators
The effect of authoritarian influence can be illustrated by the large proportion of the population that actively participated in the East German surveillance society, despite the fact that few identified with the prevailing ideology. (17, Mises Institute, 2023)
The biased propaganda of the East German media and the authorities’ intolerance of dissenters eroded the moral character of citizens. The double standards that began in school were pervasive in everyday life and were shared to some extent by everyone. Once people had learnt to accept the big political lie, they allowed themselves small lies elsewhere too. This happened gradually and unconsciously.
Social pressure and perceived coercion were high and many chose to go against their own convictions and participate in surveillance of friends and acquaintances. This led to an inner conflict, cognitive dissonance, which most East Germans chose to live with.
As a result of these circumstances, few East Germans had a positive mindset. Resignation was widespread and the adoption of an opportunistic and conformist self-image was common. The majority had learnt to live with the existing power structures and to use them to their own advantage.
To mitigate cognitive dissonance, many turned to church or niche communities without challenging the social order. (18, Miller, 1997)
Cognitive dissonance, which arises from compliance with perceived coercion, can affect the personality of a large proportion of the population. The personality change weakens individuality and makes us less likely to question and think for ourselves. (19, Institute for Government, 2010)
Summary
When we experience danger, we quickly adjust, the survival instincts kick in and the reasoning part of our mind is blocked. When someone is triggered, it is difficult to reach others. We become defensive and are not receptive to new information.
We are affected by each other’s moods. When someone is upset, others are easily upset too. Similarly, staying calm has a calming effect on others. To stay calm, you need to interrupt the cycle of emotions by holding back the impulse to react. Stop thinking about the situation that triggered the reaction.
When we experience coercion, it is easy to give in and conform. If the coerced behaviour does not match our self-image, we experience cognitive dissonance. To avoid the discomfort, we unconsciously change our self-image and may even start to support the coercive actions.
We identify with several different social groups and always share some of them with the person we are talking to. We can steer the conversation and its context in a direction where our group identities coincide.
That’s how we get on the same side. Getting on the same side doesn’t mean we pretend to be someone we are not. Instead, it’s about choosing a conversation context that brings us closer together.
References
- Conscious and Unconscious mind, Reaching People, 2021a, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARi_6efuOFA
- Freud’s Theory of the Unconscious Mind, Simply Psychology, 2011, https://www.simplypsychology.org/unconscious-mind.html
- Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman, 2011, https://archive.org/details/thinking-fast-and-slow-daniel-kahneman/
- The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, Jonathan Haidt, 2012, https://archive.org/details/righteousmindwhy0000haid_e6f9
- Biochemistry of Hormones that Influences Feelings, Monica Butnariu and Ioan Sarac, 2019, https://www.remedypublications.com/open-access/biochemistry-of-hormones-that-influences-feelings-4862.pdf
- Overview, Reaching People, 2022a, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=388r6Ld13Zo
- Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice and the Four Characters That Drive Our Life, Jill Bolte Taylor, 2021a, https://www.sloww.co/whole-brain-living/
- 90-Second Rule & Brain Huddle, Jill Bolte Taylor, 2021b, https://www.sloww.co/whole-brain-living/#whole-brain-living-huddle
- A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Leon Festinger, 1957, https://archive.org/details/theoryofcognitiv00fest
- Cognitive consequences of forced compliance, Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959, https://faculty.washington.edu/jdb/345/345%20Articles/Festinger%20&%20Carlsmith.pdf
- Beyond Culture, Hall, 1976, https://monoskop.org/images/6/60/Hall_Edward_T_Beyond_Culture.pdf
- Peer pressure, Psychology Wiki, 2021, https://psychology.fandom.com/wiki/Peer_pressure
- The Importance of Orientation, Unravel, 2021, https://www.unravel.org.uk/catch-up
- Conversational Tips for Challenging a Narrative, Reaching People, 2022b, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8v0B8kuG7w
- An experimental study of nurse-physician relations, Charles Hofling, 1966, https://www.simplypsychology.org/hofling-obedience.html
- Summary of Mindspace Document, Reaching People, 2021b, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRhXDqDqiAQ
- How East Germany’s Stasi Perfected Mass Surveillance, Mises Institute, 2023, https://mises.org/mises-wire/how-east-germanys-stasi-perfected-mass-surveillance
- The Stasi legacy The case of the Inoffizielle Mitarbeiter, Barbara Miller, 1997, https://theses.gla.ac.uk/2416/
- MINDSPACE Influencing behaviour through public policy, Institute for Government, 2010, https://www.instituteforgovernment.org.uk/publications/mindspace
The material has been developed by Us together in collaboration with Reaching People.
