Mind your mindset is the first part of the Reaching others knowledge series that helps us have open conversations and help others make better decisions.
Whatever I say, they don’t listen to me and we just end up arguing. What am I doing wrong?
Does it sound familiar? We are trying to give an answer to that question. In order to give a good answer, we need to understand how our mindset and our relationship with each other affects our ability to reach others. With an approach characterized by collaboration and a positive mindset, it will be easier to reach others.
Our mindset is something that we ourselves can influence even if that can be challenging. To change our mindset, we need to understand why and in what direction we want to do it. This material is meant to provide such knowledge and be a starting point when choosing a positive mindset.
You are important
Start by reflecting on the situation you find yourself in. Despite setbacks and disappointments, you have chosen to remain standing, confident in yourself. Far from giving up, you are still looking for solutions.
In this way, you have already shown great inner strength. You may have been rejected and mistreated by family and friends when you tried to explain. You have almost turned yourself inside out to reach others and help them make good decisions. (1 1:10, Reaching People, 2021)
Sometimes it has all felt completely impossible and you are engulfed in an overwhelming sense of resignation. The problems feel too big and you may have asked yourself what difference you as an individual can make?
But you are very important. It is with the help of your inner glow and drive that the whole thing can turn in a new and positive direction.
“One person can make a difference and everyone should try.” John F. Kennedy, American president (1917–1963). (2, National Archives, 2019)
Conversational dynamics
In conversations, we can relate to each other in different ways. We can see each conversation as having a certain dynamic. We will deal with two basic relational types, the oppositional and the cooperative dynamic. (3, Assmann, 2016)
In the oppositional dynamic, we argue against each other from different points of view. It is important to be right and prove the other person wrong. It feels like we are on different sides and playing a verbal tennis match against each other as we try to find the winning arguments. The oppositional dynamic can have a competitive tone or even a hostile tone. When we are in opposition, we do not listen to each other and it becomes difficult to reach others. (1 11:49, Reaching People, 2021)
When we behave in a cooperative and collaborative manner, we are always on the same side. Together, we examine different ideas and see whether they hold up or not. With such a dynamic, it becomes easier to reach others and encourage reflection and critical thinking.
Conversational introduction
We signal our approach when we begin the conversation. We set the stage, so to speak. What we say, our tone and body language signal to others what dynamic we are looking for.
If it is the oppositional one, we have difficulty reaching others. But if we choose the cooperative one, it is possible to reach the other person and make contact. The conversation becomes more relaxed and we can try to find what unites us. Maybe we can agree on something that is important and then take it from there.
It is important that it is done right. If it goes wrong, admit it, stop yourself, stay calm and start over.
In the following examples, we will use fictitious conversations to illustrate the two different types of dynamics.
Illustrative Conversation 1
Mary meets John and says: “Why do you smell of smoke? You promised to stop. Do you want to die?”
Then John replies: “I can’t stand you anymore. You understand nothing!”
This conversation illustrates an oppositional and hostile conversation dynamic in which it is difficult to reach others.
Illustrative Conversation 2
John and Mary have touched on a sensitive subject and she says, “We should work for peace through diplomacy.”
“It’s pointless to negotiate with war criminals. You have to fight hard with hard,” John replies.
“Harsh sanctions risk escalating conflicts,” Mary notes.
This illustrates an oppositional but more competitive conversational dynamic in which it is also difficult to reach others.
Illustrative Conversation 3
John and Mary have once again touched on a sensitive subject and he can’t help but say: “Do you agree with those who commit hate crimes?”
Then Mary responds. “I think it’s unnecessary to have preconceived ideas about each other. What is it that prevents us from letting people talk freely about what concerns them?”
“Vulnerable people must be protected from hatred and threats,” says John.
“I agree with you. We humans shouldn’t hate and threaten each other. What do you think about the risks when what we write to each other is monitored and restricted?”, Mary wonders.
“What risks would that be?”, asks John.
“What an interesting question. I’d be happy to talk about it for a while,” says Mary hopefully.
When we get into the conversation, it has a hostile dynamic. We then see how Mary tries to shift to a more cooperative approach. In the end, it seems that they come on the same side and in an open conversation can explore the issues together.
Mindset
Our attitude influences how we behave and how others perceive us. By mindset, we mean the attitudes, beliefs and values we have. Our mindset affects how we behave in different situations.
We simplify and make a rough division of different mindsets into positive and negative. Negative mindsets are polarizing, they divide us into “us and them”, and make it more difficult to reach others. Positive mindsets are constructive, we are on the same side, and it becomes easier to reach others.
Negative mindsets
Pessimism, resignation, unsympathetic and insecurity are among the negative mindsets. Some examples:
The pessimist thinks: It’s impossible to discuss. Either they do not want to talk or they just repeat empty words. Impossible to understand how they think.
The resigned person thinks: I don’t care what they think anymore. They’ve got only themselves to blame.
The unsympathetic person thinks: No matter how much facts I share, they still don’t understand. How stupid can you be?
The insecure person thinks: They have hurt me. How can I relate to them now? I don’t dare to question openly.
Positive mindsets
Positive mindsets include optimism, curiosity, understanding and confidence. We can illustrate them as follows:
The optimist thinks: People have dealt with similar situations before. When I listen, we come closer to each other.
The curious person thinks: I want to understand how others think.
The understanding person thinks: It is human to be influenced by marketing and propaganda. We are all really on the same side.
The confident person thinks: When they behave badly, I remind myself that they are influenced by the mass media and peer pressure. When things don’t go well, I learn and get better.
Keep your ego in check
Have you ever let someone tell you an untruth without correcting them? Putting your ego aside can be a challenge, but it also makes the conversation more effective. The harder someone is on you, the better it works. Those who can face aggression with humility signal an inner security and a holistic view of the situation.
People who let others continue talking without interrupting are valued conversational partners. They are also sought after when friends or family need someone to listen without judging. People who can put their ego aside quickly build lasting relationships.
Not interrupting and judging others is harder than it sounds. We have an inner voice that comments and judges as soon as someone else speaks. The voice is our ego that likes to interrupt to emphasize our own thoughts.
One way to succeed in putting your ego aside is to adopt a mindset where you initiate conversations and have a conversation solely to understand how the other person feels and thinks. (4, Dreeke, 2017)
Change your mindset
Our mindset affects our ability to reach others. With that understanding, we realize the value of reflecting on whether there is something in our own way that we can change to become better at reaching others.
We are all somewhere on the scale between a negative and a positive mindset, and that can vary depending on the day, who we talk to and what we are talking about. The endeavour to change will be more challenging for some of us than others. Although the challenge can sometimes feel overwhelming, we can take comfort in the knowledge that every step in the right direction brings us closer to desired results.
Changing one’s mindset requires motivation, which we can find in the realization that there is a possibility to establish a better contact with others and also in the care and love that we have for family and friends.
Changing your mindset also requires knowledge. This material can be a good start. When we practice reaching others, we get better at it.
Trust capital
Relationships are built on trust. Since trust takes time to build, we can think of it as a capital—a trust capital. Every relationship has its own measure of trust capital.
When we argue and try to persuade others, the person we are talking to may react negatively, thereby reducing trust capital. If we can find what unites us, on a deeper level, even on sensitive topics, the relationship can be strengthened.
It is frustrating when others do not listen to us, but when we put our need to have our say first, it often becomes counterproductive. We sacrifice trust capital, without the possibility of reaching others.
Sometimes our previous attempts have gone so badly that trust is used up and it has become very difficult to reach others. In such a relationship, it is wisest to focus on rebuilding trust before trying again. If you, for the time being, can’t reach the person, try to find comfort in knowing that there may be others in that person’s circle who might be able to do so.
See the person
See the person you are talking to. We are all human, each with their own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Avoid correcting the other person when they share their experiences and concerns, even if you may have interpreted events differently.
A humble attitude, when we also remain open to the fact that we may be wrong, makes the conversation balanced and provides an opportunity to learn from each other.
Have reasonable expectations and remember that it takes time to process new information. It is good to be content with one step in the right direction in each conversation. (1 28:37, Reaching People, 2021)
When we talk about sensitive topics, it helps to have a positive conversational tone. We can do this by using a choice of words that a makes positive feedback feel personal. So when we agree with each other, we can say: “You are absolutely right about that.” But when we feel like we need to criticize an idea, we avoid doing it in a personal way. Then we can suggest: “Can’t we look into that together?”
Listen actively
When we feel strongly about something, it can be difficult to refrain from talking without giving space in the conversation to the other person. If we instead make an effort to listen to each other, we get a better picture of our perceptions of reality, of how they differ and where they coincide. With such understanding, it becomes easier to reach others.
When you give more space in the conversation to the person you are talking to, they get an opportunity to reflect and try to understand the situation themselves. The person’s own insight is always better than your attempt at persuasion.
Once you reach into deep conversations, don’t miss the chance to understand each other completely. When you repeat what you heard, it becomes a good opportunity to correct misunderstandings and the other person is allowed to feel truly heard. When you allow silence, both of you have a chance to think.
You choose a topic of conversation by asking questions that lead in the direction you want.
Afterwards, think about what went well and what didn’t go well. Take note of what went well until next time.
Summary
In conversations, we can relate to each other in different ways. When we relate in a cooperative way, we are on the same side and can explore different ideas together. With such a dynamic, it becomes easier to reach others.
Our mindset affects how we behave and how others perceive us. With a positive mindset, we see past the us-and-them thinking and can see what unites us. Then it becomes easier to reach others.
We are all somewhere on the scale between a negative and a positive mindset. It can feel like a big challenge to choose a more positive mindset. But every step in the right direction will yield results.
Trust capital is needed to reach others. When we argue and try to persuade others, we risk reducing trust. If instead, based on a common ground, we have open conversations where we seek insight together, trust and confidence increase.
References
- Dynamics, Reaching People, 2021, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhFEXnNYCHo
- Did JFK Say It?: “One Person Can Make A Difference and Everyone Should Try”, National Archives, 2019, https://jfk.blogs.archives.gov/2019/10/28/make-a-difference-quote/
- Self-What?—the single most important success factor, Assmann, 2016, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/308266177_Self-What-_the_single_most_important_success_factor
- The code of trust an American counterintelligence expert’s five rules to lead and succeed, Robin Dreeke, 2017, https://archive.org/details/codeoftrustameri0000dree/
The material has been developed by Us together in collaboration with Reaching People.
